06. Cubs.

Each day, I wake in suffering; I struggle to rouse myself from slumber.
I kick the blankets from my bed; I let the cold morning air caress my naked skin.
The fine hairs on my arms prickle; I feel the wheels in my head start to turn.
I stand with eyes closed and I listen-- to the rhythm of the Mother.
Who within me has placed a clockwork lion,  that roars in the beat of its gears.

I turn to face the rising sun, begging the blessings of my patron.
And raise my voice in thanks--
For those who look to me for guidance and wisdom.
It is with them, that I know myself.

Something I wrote earlier ... I'm no Galliard, but I appreciate the rhythm of words and the sound of music.
Ulrich and Dusty have told me, in their words and actions-- that it is the place of the First Tribe to lead. That as a Cliath, I must first learn what that means... and so, I have found my place among more humble means...apprenticed to the great leaders of our sept.

I feel I have found my place at last-- In giving balance to Hutch's temper... in aiding my pack, in safeguarding the cubs from the full reality of what it means to be Garou-- until they are ready to face it on their own... that is what this entry will be about... the cubs.

There is a sadness in the way they look at me, I have seen it in their eyes. I know they wonder why I did not challenge for Den Parent. Why I did not seize the opportunity to lead them solely-- to be their Alpha in the realest sense.

But perhaps I am imagining it.

The truth is, that I wanted to. I dearly wanted to. But what I wanted paled in comparison to what I knew they needed. I only spoke to Gallows as if I intended to challenge so that I could ensure  I would with them in some way.

A Cliath has no business being the Den Parent. I know that quite well. 

I could not hope to defend them if I was constantly defending myself. I could not risk being challenged and losing to one with more experience-- for I am sure there are those who would see me as unworthy.

I am so glad that Gallows was not challenged.  

That it was him, and no one else.

I could not bear to see them in the hands of someone who does not know them, 

does not care for them, does not understand them, as I do. 

Too often, a Den parent forgets that he or she was once a cub. Too often, our memories truncate, when we are faced with how short and brutal our lives often are. We become disillusioned, jaded, and bitter-- and we take it out on the weak out of some misguided idea that they must be made hard.

I do not want this for them. What I want, is to see them come into themselves from a place of true strength. I want to see them united, to see them work, sleep, and breathe as a unit. I want them to wake and take heart, knowing that they will one day be great warriors, and heroes of Gaia.

But to do that, I must first help Gallows to shape them into Garou. It is difficult, because they knew me as someone else.  They knew me as one of them. As their Alpha. I cannot allow them to be more loyal to me than to their den parent... and so I must make it so they will not like me. I must be the one that they will not prefer to see.

They will think I have betrayed them, that I no longer see them as my little brothers and sisters.  

That I am not there to reassure them.

They must never know the truth.

That I will be with them always, that my heart goes with them into their trials

... and far more than it aught to. 

That I will be the first to champion their causes and hopes, and the first to fall in their defense.

That I wish I could be more for them, because they mean so much to me.

When they return from their rites.... I will howl the loudest for their victory.
When they are grown and the Galliards sing of their tales,
my spirit shall sing along with them-- uplifted in knowing that they have done well.

I will never forget that night by the fire, when Lyle spoke to me of his sadness. How I longed to tend his sorrows then-- to hold him in my arms until he hung his head no more. I did not care that he was a Bone Gnawer... nor that I was not his Den Parent.  All I knew, was that I wanted to be there.

And I relented, the tiniest bit. 

I placed my hand on his shoulder, which was all I could bring myself to do... 

and I let him rest his  head  on my leg.

Going to Unicorn's Glade used to be dudgery. I used to feel trapped there... like it was more a prison to me than a home... but now? Now it is a place of happiness. Nothing compares to the pride I feel when I see them lined up in the morning, nothing compares to the sorrow I feel when I see them make a misstep-- knowing that I must correct them.

My darling cubs, there are so few I would give so much for, short of my pack, my Caern, and the Mother herself. When you look to me for guidance, when you show me that you need me... I am forever glad of it. Because you remind me of what it is to be a leader. Because you are a part of what holds me together when my outlook is bleak.

Forgive me for being so rough with you. Forgive me for demanding and pushing and snapping at your heels when you step out of line...

Forgive me, for doing as I feel I must.

Forgive me 

 By remembering all that Gallows and I can give to you... because... of all Garou, 

there is no one who loves you more.