16. Falling

I don't care anymore.

This place is a verifiable political stonewall, and it looks more and more like a waste of energy the longer I stay. It's been almost a year, enough time for me to have made a definite impact, and yet, I have not. My wisdom is questioned continually, and my requests for opportunities to prove myself fall on deaf ears. Even within my own pack-- I am given purpose only to have it torn from me before I have the opportunity to enact it.

I see so much now, that I did not see before. Nothing in this dark world will be handed to you. If there is anything you want, you must take it. Take it and claim it as your own. There is no room for kindness. No room for mannerliness or love.  There is only rage. Hatred. Hatred for everyone and everything. And through Hatred, through tyranny, a leader establishes herself. No one will dare question you if they know it will mean their lives. No one thinks you are weak if you demonstrate your strength. That is the only way they will accept what is best for them... the only way to hold on to ethical rule, is by unethical means.

There was a time when I would have united these people by helping to mend rifts and promote the acceptance of our differences... but now, I don't care. If they will not stand with me, they stand against me-- and they will die for it. They will die if I must taste their blood on my lips; die knowing that it was they who drove me to this.... this... madness.

 I feel so much anger, so much rage-- and it seethes within me like molten rock.
There is a wrongness to it. One I find myself embracing without a reason why.
Perhaps retribution. Perhaps desperation.

I know what is happening, I know what is causing it, I know what it means...but I don't know how to stop it.
And now, I can't.